Christmas Traditions
by Phantom Sunstorm
Summary: its the annual Takatori Christmas Party
1. Default Chapter

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Joy to the World  
Phantom Sunstorm  
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"Do it, I *dare* you."   
  
The Irish man's haunting yellow eyes turned to stab at him. The manipulator smirked, his head nodded towards the topic of conversation, their target. Slowly, the manipulated followed his gaze, expression softening into a lull of serious contemplation.   
  
"Do it," Schuldig urged, "piss in the eggnog."   
  
Takatori's annual Christmas party was at full swing. Politicians and their families littered the dance floor, caters bustled to and fro, juggling trays of Western delicacy's, the entire Takatori clan ran from crowd to crowd, impressing people with their holiday cheer and ever present air of cunning mafia-isque personalities. The florists, who had arrived three hours before the party began, hung out in the shadows, trying not to look suspicious.   
  
Farfarello's reached for the bowl of creamy yellowy liquid.  
  
A hand came down on both assassins' shoulders. "Boys." Crawford murmured, giving them a harsh look before taking off to trail after Takatori.   
  
Farfarello turned to Schuldig's for guidance. The older psychic stuck his hands in his coat pockets and shrugged. "There's always a Scrooge to end your holiday fun."   
  
Another traditional eggnog defecation had halted before production even began. They tried to sneak something into the drinks every year. The year before last, Schuldig had actually managed to dump the entire vial of LSD into the bowl before Crawford came up with two workers and had them cart it away. Last year, Farfarello didn't even make it to the table before Crawford appeared with a clean handkerchief and removed the still bloody eyes from the psychopath's fingers. Three years ago, Nagi had the bottle of vodka posed over the surface, chickened out, and, to hide the evidence, chugged the drink down and tossed the bottle under the table before anyone could notice he had it.   
  
Later the night, he threw up on Ouka. The two had been dating at the time. That was the end of their relationship.  
  
"It's a tradition." Schuldig grumbled. "Doesn't he SEE that."  
  
Farfarello tilted his head, "...I thought the tradition was to have it spoiled by Crawford." Schuldig glared. "...then to have you say, there's always a Scrooge to end our holiday fun..." Schuldig's left eye began to twitch. "...then for me to point that out..." Schuldig made a wringing motion with his hands, stopped short, and stormed off.  
  
"...and for you to go off and pout." Farfarello finished. He kept an eye on the German, noting the direction he was taking. Straight towards the florists. Ah yes. This was very traditional. Now, in an hour, Nagi would be making his beeline to the men's room to escape the multitude of 12 year-old girls who kept asking to dance with him, find Schuldig and random boy X doing it like they do on the discovery channel in the bathroom sink, and claim his innocence had been once again robbed from him.   
  
From the shadows, a brown haired florist glared. "I can't believe he can just stand there, enjoying the holidays like this, when every day he is the cause of so much torment, so much death, so much..." Ken's voice drifted into a pointless rant.  
  
Aya, for once, was in agreement with his pig-headed partner. The stealthy assassin crossed his arms and hissed, "I wonder, what kind of sick pervert..."  
  
"Ja, kitten." Schuldig stepped up behind them and wrapped an arm around Yohji's shoulder.   
  
Aya's left eye began to twitch. Yohji's eye followed suit.  
  
Schuldig pinched Yohji's cheek, "Aw, who's my favorite under cover agent? Who's the most cuddliest, stealthiest assassin in the world?" He cooed.   
  
Ken shoved the two apart. "Back off, Schwartz. We're on a mission."   
  
Schuldig regained his footing and sent them a drunken smile. "I wouldn't want to blow your cover."  
  
"Exactly!" Ken barked. "...wait."   
  
Omi buried his face in his hands.   
  
Nagi stumbled off the dance floor. His feet throbbed and his body trembled. If he had to waltz with one more waddling twelve-year-old... what did he look like? A kid? He was fifteen. He looked... at least thirteen. Weren't they supposed to respect his age and leave him alone?  
  
A dark figure hovered over him. A strand of mistletoe lay pinch in-between his fingers.  
  
Nagi stared up in horror. "Farfarello!"  
  
He took a step back, Farfarello took a step forward. They circled the room twice like that.   
  
"What's WRONG with you tonight?" The teenager demanded. "What did you put in the eggnog?"   
  
Farfarello grabbed him by the collar of his white dress jacket. Nagi went limp in terror. Mistletoe still raised overhead, Farfarello spun him around and pushed him into Ouka and her date.  
  
"Ah! Pervert." Slap.  
  
"...the hell are you?"  
  
"So-sorry!"   
  
The mistletoe glided under their three heads. Ouka, her date, and Nagi turned and stared at Farfarello, mouths ajar. The psychopath grinned. "Triple kiss."   
  
"FarFARfello!"  
  
"DADDY! Your body guards are BUGGING me AGAIN!"  
  
"WHO THE HELL ARE THESE PEOPLE???"  
  
Across the room, Crawford popped a few aspirins into his mouth, chewing on them like candy. It was another Schwartz Christmas.   
  
  
  
~~~  
  
  
An hour later, Nagi made his annual retreat to the boy's bathroom. The only thing on his mind was escape.   
  
He forgot, like he did every year, that he was destined to find Schuldig and random guy X waiting for him.  
  
This year, he bumped into another bathroom retreater. "Sorry."  
  
"Sorry."  
  
They stared.  
  
"Nagi?"  
  
"Omi?"  
  
The two stood there uneasily, before offering a smile of truce. They cautiously proceeded towards the bathroom entrance. Omi opened the door, Nagi graciously stepped through, than froze.   
  
"JOY TO THE WORLD." A German voice screamed. "I HAD A MULTIPLE ORGANISM."  
  
"Schuldig."  
  
"YOHJI???"  
  
"GAH! MY INNONCENCE ROBBED AGAIN!!!"   
  
  
  
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sundialeve@mailcity.com  
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	2. Takatori Christmas Party 2003

"Come on. I know you want to."  
  
Schuldig had the devil's voice; sweet and seductive and totally drenched in evil. Like the devil, the victims of Schuldig were always aware of what terrors and manipulation the red haired beauty was trying to inflict upon them, but damn it, if they cared anyway.  
  
Farfarello loomed over the snack bar like a half-starved angel of death.  
  
How he and Schuldig had managed to smuggle in a toaster was beyond rational thought. But smuggled it in they had, they had even managed to hook it up to a near-by electrical outlet. Why they choose a large, bulky toaster over something a little more...hmm... covert, was also beyond contemplation. A small electrical prod or even a curling iron would have been more effective.   
  
They may have even gotten away with it.  
  
"Drop it in the eggnog." Yohji Kudoh, the enemy, encouraged from Schuldig's side.  
  
As always, The Voice of Reason descended upon them before the pale Irishman had a chance to plunk the deadly kitchen appliance into the defenseless yellow bowl. The Voice appeared as an annoyed sigh behind the two taller assassins.   
  
"Now really, that's just plain ridiculous, Schuldig."  
  
Looking much put upon, the now sullen Farfarello deposited the weapon of mass destruction into their leaders hand.   
  
"Gentlemen." Crawford clipped before walking away.  
  
Schuldig rubbed his face. "There's always a Scrooge to end your holiday fun."   
  
Yohji shook his head sadly. "It really is a shame."  
  
"It's a TRADITION!" Schuldig whined. "Doesn't he see that?"  
  
"Apparently not." Yohji muttered.  
  
Farfarello batted a golden eye at the two before cheerfully responding, "Actually, the tradition is for Crawford to fuck us over at the last minute and abandon us with no hope of causing mayhem other than the traditional post-eggnog defecation bathroom fucking which always leaves Nagi traumatized for weeks to come."  
  
Schuldig's left eye began to twitch.  
  
Once again the Takatori annual Christmas party was alive and in full swing. Mistletoe, politicians, music, ballroom dancing, eggnog, you know how it goes. Everyone (Crawford) was rather hoping Takatori would have been dead before THIS Christmas party was made to be, but unfortunately, all of Takatori's worthy death threats were put on the back burner the minute Schuldig and Yohji became an item.   
  
So, Takatori was still alive. Omi was still dating his cousin. Schwartz and Weiss grudgingly ignored/worked together on certain missions. And Nagi was being forced to dance with rabid fourteen-year-old fan girls again. As long as this was considered an Alternate Universe, all was right with the world... on the holiest of nights.  
  
Speaking of Takatori's, at that moment, the whole clan seemed to be congregating in the corner. Even the much estranged Persia was there, his red haired girl-Friday Manx at his arm, trying to appear civil. The smile on his lips, as well as Omi's, was not quite believable as the strained force of it looked like it would tear both of their faces in half at any given second.   
  
Ouka, gushing over her new boyfriend was, as usual, completely oblivious.  
  
A dark grin crossed Farfarello's face and he excused himself.  
  
Schuldig spread his fingers across the air in a thoughtful, elegant manner. "You know, that situation is so naturally sick and vile that even I couldn't have done better."   
  
  
  
Yohji snorted.  
  
They had both agreed to leave the wrong, wrong, wrong Omi-Ouka relationship alone and just wait and see how it worked out. Personally, Yohji was banking that the two would get sick of each other within the year. Schuldig wagered that the two would produce a child with five heads and six arms.  
  
Nagi emerged from the dance floor, gasping for breath, and nursing his wounded feet. Grumbling miserly things about the Christmas season, he waved one hopeful fan girl off and crawled to the seats lined next to the giant, thirty foot Christmas tree.   
  
It didn't take the young psychic long to regain his breath. Elbows draped over his knees, back hunched, Nagi wet his lips once and scanned the room. His eyes narrowed at he glanced inside the shadows of the unlit tree. "...how pathetic are you guys?"   
  
The tree squawked.  
  
Or more specifically, Ken Hidaka hiding behind the Christmas tree, squawked.  
  
Nagi frowned, "Are you here to spy on your team members or assassinate Takatori?"  
  
"Spy on our team members!" One voice quipped.  
  
"Takatori, shi ne." Another answered.  
  
The branches rustled back and forth in confusion for a moment as if in disagreement. A pile of pine needles was beginning to collapse and cover the nicely decorated blanket of office boxes.   
  
Nagi squinted into the darkness. "...Abyssinian, I didn't see you there."  
  
"Hn." The tree answered.   
  
"CHRISTMAS TREE SQUIRRELS!!! YIYIYIYI!"  
  
A white blur suddenly buried itself in the giant cluster of branches. Delicate, breakable ornaments flew everywhere. Presences were crushed. The tree, swinging and hopping, appeared to be fighting back.   
  
Ouka stared dismally from the dance floor, arm wrapped fast around Omi's arm. "Daddy! He's being weird AGAIN!" She screamed.  
  
Omi recognized the battle screams of his own teammates, he buried his face in his hands and sighed.  
  
As the massive tree continued to seizure, as glass balls and miniature Santa's launched from the branches like missiles, as pine needles fell everywhere, Schuldig and Yohji began to sing. "I'M DREAMING OF A WEISS CHRISTMAS!!!"  
  
Nagi held a vigilant guard over the chaos, keeping the confused security guards away. He held both arms out in front of him and spoke with an air of morbid seriousness. "Tree squirrel infestation. Just give him a moment."  
  
Crawford took out a bottle of aspirin and dumped the whole thing into his martini. Yes, it was another...  
  
"FARFARELLO SHI NE!"  
  
"CHESTNUTS ROASTING ON AN OPEN FIRE! MY CHESTNUTS ARE ROASTING ON AN OPEN FIRE!"  
  
"Yes, tree squirrels carry rabies. And venereal diseases."  
  
"DADDY!"  
  
"Damn it, Crawford, do something."  
  
...Schwartz-Weiss Christmas. 


End file.
